I’ve been struggling to write for the past three weeks. Countless posts have been half written and deleted because they haven’t made any sense to me. There are so many thoughts in my head, and so many things I want to say, but it is all coming out jumbled and senseless.
I came across this quote tonight and it made me pause – but not because it reminded me of a romantic partnership. It made me reflect on my personal relationships. A lot of them have felt very hard recently. I feel like I show up as authentically me to only feel judged. I’ve walked away from conversations and texts and found myself saying to myself “I need to move away from this” or, worse, “I shouldn’t be talking. I should stop talking.” I would never, ever, want any of you to say that to yourself – why is it so easily coming up in my thoughts?
I’ve done the “smell test” on this. I’ve reflected, purged, cried, stared at a wall, journaled….I’ve done the work to ask “is this just me?” “Is this just my limited belief?” But I’ve had an overwhelming, instinctive sense of NO. No it’s not just me. While I am sure I play a part, it’s not all in my head.
I am sure you’ve felt this way, too.
And while I’m not trying to forget the friendships as the @r.h.sin quote suggests, I’m trying to forget the way I’m telling myself something should be and relaxing more into the idea of this is just what it is right now. I can fight it more and judge myself more, or I can just let it unfold while maintaining my authenticity.
Oh, and I can stop fucking judging myself while I’m at it ♥️
