Earlier this week I saw this post from @scarymommy. It hit home right away… especially that part about the kitchen (if you are a mom, you get that). I posted it to my personal Instagram, sent it to friends and read it over and over and just felt it couldn’t have been more accurate.
This, specifically this, was all I asked for during my marriage. The kitchen was always a thing that got under my skin because it can become an area of child overflow so quickly. As for the other stuff – I just wanted help. I wanted to feel like my partner saw me and wanted to help me, and it wasn’t doing me a favor – but it was because we were a team and because this baby and our relationship was OUR responsibility, not just mine.
On top of that, new mom’s know that sometimes you are unable to ask for help, because you don’t know what you need, you just need…something. I never felt like I got that something. I couldn’t tell you what it is, but it is a mix of affection, care and help.
After a few days, I reread it and noticed the top line “you know you’ve got the perfect partner when…” and it hit me like a ton of bricks – wait, this makes someone a perfect partner? Equal sharing of parental duties makes someone…perfect. Seeing your partners struggles and helping makes you a…saint? What the F?
Then what is a mother? Other than a tired human who does everything, every day, without ever being asked? Is a mother just a babysitter?
If a partner wants equal part in the Instagram photos, and holidays, and celebrations, and school drop offs, shouldn’t the standard be to also be equal in all of the hard moments too?
I think we need to redefine what “perfection” looks like in relationships – and in the way we describe them on Instagram. This could just be a bitter version of me speaking – but I really think the things listed in this photo should be how partners interact. This could go both ways – a dad could handle the brunt of the work, too, but a child isn’t a chore, and if a version of perfection is defined around taking care of your kid – then I don’t want to be a part of that definition. The struggles of one parent are the struggles of the family. The struggles of the baby are the responsibility of both parents.
