Recently I’ve been conflicted with a lot of different desires, thoughts, and inner pulls. This could be in part due to my incessant rewatch of Game of Thrones, and also my new obsession to read Game of Thrones theory (I REALLY should have read the books…). Game of Thrones characters fall in love very quickly – without reason a lot of the time – and also without any guilt, which has begun to spark my own personal loneliness and longing to be in love again.

I started watching the series 7 years ago with the boyfriend I moved to Boston for, continued to watch it with my ex-husband, and now I am on the final season, watching it alone. Watching the the first episode of Season 8 was weird. I sat down alone, as excited as I always was for a new episode, but I felt empty when I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it after (or during). When I was up that night with Game of Thrones nightmares, no one was up with me. This part of my life, this part that is also ending in 2 episodes, felt different. I had come full circle in a new way.

But that is not all. For a long time I felt very, very unready to date or even consider dating. I still feel scared of reentering the dating world and putting myself out there. To date, the only people who have showed interest in me have been younger than I am (by a lot) and they either know but don’t understand what it feels like to have a kid, or assumed I was much younger too. If it was up to me, I’d meet my next partner organically, in a love at first sight way, but given the fact that I am a single mom – everything is moving slowly…and he future feels hard.

But I can’t deny the fact that I have also been pulled to reach out to people from my past. The past seems easy – well, easier than the new. This is an old habit of mine and since it has been around for so long (i’ve let it lead me into making man mistakes…) I know how it works. It has a distinct flavor and a voice. The spiral repeats every time. I feel the feelings – then I tell myself that they are connected to that person – I then, erase any poor memories, any hardships, any facts that are contrary to this romanticized version I’ve now created. I reach out to them. I make the connection. Sometimes it leads down a conversation, most times, I end up right back where I started with a series of new hardships OR (worse) once the romanticized vision fades, I have led them onto thinking something that I am not really feeling internally. When I finally do see them again, I feel regret. The cycle continues. I hurt them, or they hurt me, and then we all come back together again. It is a really sick cycle – but it’s been here all my life.

I have not let myself get stuck in my cycle this time around. I’ve written drafts of texts that I never sent and even went so far as deleting numbers out of my phone. I’ve let myself cry, a lot. I’ve journaled. I’ve reflected. I’ve even tried to manifest. It is uncomfortable to sit in my own loneliness but it is even more uncomfortable to give into old habitual behaviors that I am not proud of – that do not represent the woman I want to be. These behaviors have gotten me hurt over, and over again, and have opened up old wounds that didn’t need to be opened.

I often talk to clients about sitting in the discomfort. Some agree – some think I am crazy. Why should we sit in the discomfort

Sitting in discomfort allows you to get to the feelings hidden underneath. If we give into our desires every time one comes up, we will never know what feelings are underneath dining to surface so we can move through them. In my case, underneath all of the feelings, the longing, and the loneliness, is a want to connect. It’s realizing that for a long time I was alone but not lonely, and now, I am feeling both alone and lonely, and that’s okay.

When we quickly act on desire or distraction we strip ourselves of the ability to really get to the core of what is there and the lessons we need to learn. When we let an old habit run the show, we don’t allow ourselves to develop new, healthy habits, that are in line with who we want to be.