I just started to {binge} watch the last season of Girls. There is something about that show that always hits me right in the gut.
Today it was a clip filmed in a diner where my ex-boyfriend and I had our first date. By the first date I mean, we were drunk after a night of having too much fun in the city and ended up in the Kellogg Diner at 2 am.
I was watching the episode trying to detach from my day when I noticed the diner seats. As I watched the scene I could picture myself in them. I remembered exactly what I ordered while I sat in them. I remember staring at them as I neglected eye contact with this man. I felt like my world stopped and for a moment I was 24 again, sitting right there.
There was something about who I used to be in that moment I tragically miss – and it’s not about being a drunken mess and partying all night. It’s also not about the boy. it’s more about being fully free. Being able to be in a diner at 2am laughing about events I didn’t even remember the next morning. It’s about Brooklyn. It’s about being an unapologetic version of myself that was actually able to let go enough to order fries. It took a lot to get me to step away from work and go have fun, but when I did it I DID it. Where did that part of me go?
As I write this blog I realize I am not even making complete sense. For the first time, I actually feel like it’s ok. I think a lot of times we have strong feelings for something but we try to reason with them instead of letting them just be. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make every word written on this blog make a lot of sense and have a completion, but today I think it’s important just to allow myself to sit in the Kellogg Diner.
In many ways, I have been a hostage to myself. I have have been holding back on writing out my feelings in this blog because I feel an innate pressure to connect these big moments to coaching lessons. I have a serious of internal reasons and “shoulds” as to why this blog needs to be structured in a certain way.
And I think today I am saying fuck it to a blog structure and dedicated coaching lessons. Because at the end of the day, what is important for me as your coach is that you feel I get it. That I get it in a way you didn’t expect anyone to get it.
I often think we have moments like these and then we run from them or file them in the mental cabinet of “I will think about it later” or “yeah, but that was the past.” I don’t know why today or this moment was so crucial for me to break my self-imposed writer’s block, but this moment brought me close enough to my old self that I needed to hone in the learning and I needed to write it here.So if I hone in that lesson of the diner, the lesson for myself is to be more unapologetically me and less of the version of me I think I should be. It’s clear that 24 year old is dieing to come out and share some lessons. Maybe it’s time I let her do that.
