I wanted to add one thing that didn’t make it to my last post. LISTEN, please listen to people when they talk to you about their struggles. I am not going to say “especially a mom” because all people and their struggles matter. If someone says “I am not okay,” believe them.
I sat down last night and went through the pictures from this time and saw how lifeless I was. I remember the safe space being the bathroom floor because I could prop my back up on the bathtub and just be. It became my safe space to let out my emotions and regroup.
I used to have to bring baby Charlotte to therapy. Some weeks, I went to therapy 2x. I would make the appointments while she was napping and carefully bring in her carseat into the therapy room so she stayed asleep.
One day, I remember saying “and days like this, I just feel so low.” My therapist replied, “what do you mean?” and pointed at the window. It was a sunny day – and I had no idea. All I saw was grey. It hit me hard. That was the moment I knew this was the beginning of the end – finally. I had enough. It took me 10 more months and a lot of pain, but eventually, I walked away.
That next week, I remember telling my therapist “I think I am going to move into my moms house” and her freaking out – NO! she said. NO. You are going there because it is easy right now but that is not safe for you (it wasn’t). She knew I had the money to get an apartment, and pushed me to do that. And let me tell you, just like in Maid, the system DID NOT make that fucking easy. But I did it.
I had many moments captured (like this picture) that show how Charlotte was my guiding light. She cared even when she didn’t know she was caring.
This morning, Charlotte asked me if I needed water first thing in the morning, then turned on the light for me when I went to the bathroom. These little moments ,of her showing how attentive she is, shows me, over and over, I did the right thing and am a good mom.
If you are in a tough situation, I am here. Reach out.
