I always thought I would be the kind of person to blog about my pregnancy while it was happening. After all, I am a bit of a life-change junkie and writing about the biggest change ever seems “like me.”
Well, 8.5 months later, I have written 0 blog posts about pregnancy. I have avoided talking about it all costs, successfully hid it from the outside world for about 6 months, and cringed every-time someone asked how I was feeling. I wanted to enjoy the journey of being pregnant but the truth is I haven’t. It has been a whirlwind of change and pretty freaking scary most of the time. Most days I couldn’t get over the fact that there was another human inside me and everything and anything will soon change.
You should stop reading this if you think I “should” feel a certain way about being pregnant. This is going to sound like a ton of complaining, and for the most part, it kind of is, but it is my honest experience and I am very confident someone will come along, read this, and think “wow, she gets me.” (Trust me: I searched far and wide for that person, too!)
Pregnancy started like this:
I bought a pregnancy test because my period was late…so I thought (I am not the best, or even remotely good, at tracking it). It was almost a joke. My husband and I were in Target and I said “i’ll just get it. Probably won’t take it.” Well, I went home and took it immediately and it was positive. I then took a second one because I didn’t believe it. I called my little brother, my other little brother who didn’t “have time” to talk to me, my mom, and then I spent the remainder of the evening googling health insurance options and freaking the fuck out.
The next day I avoided calls from the health insurance salesmen who were calling me (…and texting and probably writing me letters in the sky) because I entered all of my information on all of the websites and packed for my wedding….which was in 3 days. I had taken the few days before off of work to pack and de-stress but instead I was effectively just feeling all of the feelings about pregnancy. In a matter of seconds I would shift from pure panic to feeling this all happening at exactly the right time. I had been wanting to be pregnant my whole life and now it was here and I was terrified.
Seeing my brothers at pre-wedding things only brought up more emotion. We live in different states and don’t see each-other often but I like to think we have a special bond, most of the time. I asked them to get dinner with me the day before the rehearsal dinner and I sobbed the whole way home. This was the first time that I realized my life will really be different and that this was the start of that difference. They were freaking out in their own way (…in the way of “I am too fat to be an uncle.”) I was terrified that a new baby would tear us apart. Would we even still be able to get breakfast when I am in town? Would they hate me? Would they hate the baby? Would they EVER come visit me? They don’t visit me now, so probably not, right? How can I just pick up and go visit them with a baby? It all felt like too much too soon and I didn’t feel ready to face it.
I felt the feelings…all of them. And then a few hours later I was able to courageously tell myself this is probably normal. That helped for about 5 minutes. And repeat.
I made it through the wedding ok. Being pregnant meant being sober throughout the whole thing and I actually felt it went really slow. I loved that. I was able to feel all of the moments. I cried, I laughed, I laugh-cried. I shared the news with a few close friends and was able to see and FEEL their responses. My boobs didn’t fit in my dress, but that’s another thing…
We left for our honeymoon to Spain the next day and I spent the first day throwing up. I had no idea if it was morning sickness or food poising because I had no idea how pregnant I was. We spent the majority of our honeymoon doing whatever would make me the least nauseous…even if that included walking for miles to get to a new place and stopping to pee at every coffee shop on the way. I also had no idea what I was allowed or not allowed to eat. I wanted to go home and feel like a person again (spoiler alert: I didn’t feel like a person for the next 3 months).
We got back mid-April and I wasn’t able to get a doctor appointment until the end of April – where I learned I was already two months pregnant. That explained why I was throwing up so much and why all food, and all smells were horrid. I was also really scared.
Morning sickness feels like a really, really bad hangover. One of those hangovers that greasy food can’t heal and even plain bread looks awful. You think it is almost over, and then you try to eat and realize no, nope, not yet. You spend the whole day thinking tomorrow will be better once this all has settled. Then tomorrow comes and you are still pregnant and therefore still sick. Sometimes you can eat – and those opportunities are gold and you grab them by the avocados. But, then the next day or hour comes and you are back to square one. Needless to say the majority of my first trimester was spent in a pseudo hangover eating saltines.
The hangover feeling also made me much slower in life and I needed to start thinking about what I was actually capable of doing. Strong will and caffeine couldn’t get me through this one. Prior to getting pregnant I planned to start teaching yoga after the wedding. I had longed to be back in front of the room for a long time and finally had a space to teach. But my post pregnancy body and mind did not agree. I wanted to push through and do it but I couldn’t. I was afraid of not being able to demo the moves or feel too sick to really be the inspiration in front of the room. I kept the classes booked but as it got closer to the date I knew I needed to cancel it. It felt awful. I felt like I was giving up on my dream once and for all.
But for the first time I was actually listening to my body. I had neglected it, took it on a plane to Toronto when my better self was saying just cancel the trip and lose the cash, put it on numerous subway rides, forced it through CrossFit workouts, all of it, but this I couldn’t push through. Teaching yoga meant too much to me to be something to just push through if I wasn’t connected. I gave it up, and still wonder how and when I will be able to chase that dream.
While morning sickness sucked, I stayed consistent working out. Part of me knew that if I just pushed through a workout I would feel better and be better once this phase of pregnancy was over. I was right – because morning sickness ended the day the first trimester ended and my workouts returned to being something that made me feel really good. They reminded me that despite these changes, and this nice rack, I had a body and even though I was slowly losing control of the shape of the body, it was still my body and I could still move, lift weights and feel good about parts of it.
Life also hit the fan personally and while I am all about transparency I am not ready to share what had me so shook. One day I will and update this portion of the blog. I felt like my entire universe was falling apart around me and found myself fighting a very familiar-feeling depression. I was really not okay and tried to relay that to those close to me but seemed to be failing. Each day was just another day to get through. I felt like I hit rock bottom and found a therapist to help me, at the very least, think about me.
The second trimester is said to be the easiest one and for the most part it is. Morning sickness was gone, my belly was still pretty close to my pre-baby stomach, I was able to eat real food which helped me get some of my energy back. But now it was time to open up about being pregnant…and I didn’t want to. I told some of my good friends but it was pretty much a big secret that I insecurely kept to myself. This thought process surprised me…I think I imagined posting my pregnancy on Instagram before Instagram was even an idea but now that it was real I was really afraid of everyone reaction. I knew everyone – meaning friends from high school I haven’t talked to in 10 years and acquaintances I see rarely – would be really supportive and congratulate me but I didn’t want to be congratulated. I really wanted to hide it for as long as possible and stay in my little bubble. Pregnancy had brought up a ton of fears and insecurities and I wasn’t ready for the world to know about it. Was I even ready to be a mom? How much weight am I going to gain? Is pregnancy actually a beautiful experience? Am I ready to hear everyone’s opinions? What kind of mom do I want to be?
I spent most of my early secret pregnancy figuring out what I was capable of. I was totally capable of going to CrossFit, but driving 5 hours (or sometimes 9 – traffic pending) to New York wasn’t possible anymore. Hanging out with real functioning people was also getting harder. “Hey Jess, have a drink” “Hey Jess, why are you so tired,” “Hey Jess….” the list continues but the point is that I was really just trying to be ok in my own skin. It really didn’t feel like my own skin anymore. I wanted to feel like it was a great bond with my baby but I really was just anxious, hoping the baby was ok, but craving the way my body used to feel.
All in all, I decided to hold off opening pandora’s box until I was 4.5 months pregnant and I could have pushed it off further if I wanted to. I opened up when I decided I couldn’t hide it anymore.
Many people were supportive but many people were judgmental about how I was choosing to be pregnant. This was a time for me to figure out who I wanted to be and what I was ok with. I was really defensive in the beginning and tried my hardest to tell myself “they are just trying to help…”
This is how my pregnancy went:
CrossFit – “Why don’t you just do pre-natal yoga?” was one typical response when I told people I was still working out. Another one was “Why would you hurt your baby?” or my personal favorite, “Do you think you should be throwing a 50lb ball against a wall while pregnant?” (because that, my friends, is CrossFit…). I did CrossFit because I did CrossFit prior to being pregnant. I also did CrossFit (and still do CrossFit) because I wanted to do CrossFit. I have done every exercise under the sun and this is the only thing, other than swimming, that felt right. In fact, it was the only thing that made me feel like me. We need muscles to push that baby out, don’t we?
I’m Vegan – And this pregnancy has been a Vegan one. How do I get protein? The same way I did when I wasn’t pregnant. We are living in a time where everything can be made vegan and Whole Foods is around the corner. Protein isn’t a problem.
Pregnancy Symptoms – Cravings? Non not one (yes, seriously). Swollen feet? Nope – can still see my veins. Overeating? Nope…no idea where the food goes anymore. Weight gain? The minimum. Back ache? No, thank you, CrossFit. “Pregnancy Brain”? Nope…but others definitely have sympathy pregnancy brain and I get REALLY mad about that. Bladder the size of a pea? YES! Hormones? Sigh. See below.
Hormones – Please excuse me as I stand on my soap box. I have a lot of feelings about this. It seems the typical thing to say to a pregnant person you’re unhappy with is “you’re being hormonal”. By doing so, you not only minimize her feelings but you discount them. This first came up with my brother, who ditched me after a 6 hour drive to NY at the last minute. When I expressed I was sad (and no longer a doormat) I was told I was having a hormonal outburst. Those words, hormonal outburst, were thrown in my face numerous times when I was upset over things that I was entitled to be upset over. To put it lightly, the world hormones is not a safe word in my book anymore.
Disclaimer: If I was being hormonal there would be an entire blog on how I was being hormonal and struggling to control my emotions. I would own it and probably try to tackle it.
Hormones came up a few more times from other people, usually in cases where I was expressing my feelings and they did not agree. Every single time this happened I took the topic to my life coach to really check in and see if I am overreacting. I care about that. Every time we would talk trough the issue, how I really feel, and the verdict was always that I was just simply expressing my feelings.
I think it hurt too because I wasn’t being crazy or hormonal. I was doing so much while pregnant – growing two businesses, working a job I hated on the side, working out, preparing for this baby, etc. It was a lot and I felt really rundown a lot of the time and felt with everything going on I held myself together.
Where was I “hormonal”? I actually cried. I can be a little bit of a rock at times (by a little bit I mean a lot), but when I was actually upset the flood gates opened in a way they haven’t since my early 20’s. I actually think I needed it. There wasn’t any room left in my body for the tension to exist. It was scary at first but I rather the emotion come out than to bottle it up and stress my body and baby.
Sharing – After the cat was out of the bag I noticed a lot of people would basically put it on me to tell them how I was doing when I really wanted people to ask me if they were wondering how I was feeling. It took me a while to say it but I eventually was honest with those who I felt were resenting me for “not sharing” by simply saying “there is so much going on in my mind and body right now that I don’t think to share but if you ask I will answer and appreciate it.” Setting that boundary was golden.
Maternity Clothes – PSA – MATERNITY CLOTHES ARE NOT THE DEVIL. PSA #2 – MATERNITY CLOTHES WILL FEEL LIKE THE DEVIL AT FIRST. They are actually made and cut to fit your new body and bump as it grows. It took me a long time, but there was only so many days I could suffer through tight waistbands and baggy shirts. Once I gave into maternity clothes there was basically no turning back. After all, who doesn’t like skinny jeans with a yoga pants top?
Caffeine – Yes.
Alcohol – No way.
Going above and beyond, and stopping – Overextending myself is my thing but I needed to learn when to stop and where I could stop. I really could not stop working and for the most part would overextend then need to shrink back a bit. I did realize I could not go out of my way to see friends in New York anymore. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. The drive was miserable and so uncomfortable for my body and it was too expensive for me to keep shelling out money. I invited people here but no one came.
I also realized I needed to cancel retreats. Pre-pregancy I decided I wanted to enhance my life coaching skill set and signed up for retreats through August. I went to one in Toronto but spent the majority of the time trying to find a comfortable way to sit. I had to create a new rule for myself – if it required traveling and sleeping in a bed that wasn’t mine I couldn’t do it.
I stopped overextending myself to friends who didn’t seem like they wanted to be a part of my life anymore. I decided that life is a two way street and I was feeling overwhelmed by constantly reaching out so if they wanted to see me they could reach out too, and I could just stop for now. This didn’t mean I didn’t love them any less, it just meant I couldn’t be the one always reaching out. To be honest, I was surprised to see how many people stopped reaching out entirely.
Claustrophobia – I was always a little claustrophobic but never to the point of shaking and sweating. Pregnancy brought this fear to light in a way I couldn’t breathe my way out of. Elevators, subways, doctors offices with no windows, basement supermarkets…all of it brought out this fear. Some I could handle, some I couldn’t. After numerous times of the subway stopping in a tunnel for a prolonged period of time I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore and started driving everywhere instead. Was this more expensive? Sure. But I was so scared.
I wasn’t just claustrophobic in the outside world, I was also claustrophobic in my body. This often came out of nowhere but felt like pure panic. I felt like I was stuck in a cast and couldn’t break free from my own self. I would break down because I knew I couldn’t just take the baby out for a second, breathe, and then put her back in.
Not wanting to be pregnant anymore – I hate to admit this but more often than not I found myself not wanting to be pregnant anymore. This doesn’t mean I wanted an abortion. It means that I wanted this baby, I just didn’t want to carry her for another 6 months, or 4 months, or 2 months. Pregnancy is long and it is hard and as much as I wanted to function in the world like a normal human being the fact is I was two human beings at once and simple things, like standing, sometimes felt like too much.
Pregnancy is a beautiful experience – For a long time I resented everyone who said this sentence. When I got over it I realized yes, it is for them, but for me, it is freaking weird. The body may be an amazing tool – but there is a body – growing – inside of your body. THAT. IS. SO. WEIRD.
Swaddling – The day I learned what a swaddle is was the same day I gave up on myself as a parent (for about a week). A male friend who is a new dad had to explain the purpose and act of swaddling and I felt like the worst mother to ever be because I had no idea what the hell a swaddle is prior to this conversation. That dramatic realization got me right where I need to be – into an infant class.
The Baby Registry – I will say that the thing that got me the most anxious was making a baby registry. Until now I really thought a baby only needed a crib, clothes, bottles and diapers. All that other stuff seemed additional – until I realized it wasn’t. Babies need stuff like a little suction thing to suck boogers out of their nose. They need their own special washcloths. They need a noisemaker. They need more things than I ever thought were possible. Making a registry got really overwhelming really fast and if it wasn’t for help and purely copying things off of friends registries I would have been so overwhelmed. After that was all complete I actually felt really prepared. I was able to pull something up online and look at it and feel like “I got this.”
Hibernation – I spent the first half of the second trimester feeling guilty about hibernating (which I define as the act of staying in, or close to home)…but by the end of it I realized that it was what I needed.
By the third trimester I felt really good about who I was as a pregnant person. My guard was down, my belly was growing, and I got on a plane to Italy at the 7 month mark. The trip actually felt like a real honeymoon now that I wasn’t having morning sickness. What changed? I REALLY heavy in a way I didn’t feel previously. I started putting on pounds, mostly all baby weight, and I just felt so huge.
I also began to realize the baby is actually coming soon. The room she will live in does need to be cleaned. The crib will need to be built. All of those cute clothes will need to be washed. My schedule post baby will need to be sorted out. All of these things needed to happen. And with that came a lot of anxiety and worry. I knew all of these things needed to happen but I decided I was only going to do them when I felt the nesting bug, which came less often than I’d like to admit. Weeks would go by where I’d trip over items stashed on the floor and I’d sit in the guilt of my messy home. But the things got done. The room got put together. And I didn’t die from not being perfect – hooray!
I was so tired. Living just made tired and I needed an action plan for the future months (spoiler alert – I didn’t stick to it and still showed up everywhere…). Whether it was writing out emails I would send later or asking for help for events I didn’t think I would be able to be there for, I started to plan and reach out. It felt equally neurotic and smart. As the things approached I showed up at what If felt I could show up for – which was most things…but I had the help there just in case I couldn’t.
Month 9 of pregnancy has been unlike any of the others. It has been a mix of feeling incredibly lonely while craving hibernation time (think sweatpants + cozy sweatshirt + tea). Previous to a few days ago I was a serial loner – almost to my own demise…but it helped me sane. As an introvert I need a good amount of alone time to rejuvenate from life. I’d say that it is momentarily slipping away. I have noticed I will do anything to fill the time and the space of my own head (and belly) – from commenting on Facebook posts of “friends” I actually don’t care about, to allowing my inner workaholic to come out and run my life, to “nesting” (which is allowed), to baking numerous vegan gluten free deserts that I have no intention of eating, to watching the presidential debates and formulating opinions just to be able to have conversations with people. I even find myself in fits of envy over what other people have – like abs, and happy 6 month old kids, and adventure.
Somehow I can still work out…and do well for the most part. People think I am crazy. I think I am crazy. But if the only thing that makes me feel good is movement, may as well move.
I started this blog at 8.5 months but have only been able to write when I felt inspiration hit. I really couldn’t force this one so I am finishing it at 39.5 weeks pregnant.
What is 39.5 weeks pregnant like? It is like sitting at home and being told – “at one point, in the next month, a fire is going to start and you will have a minute to collect your things. You know this is coming, so you can prepare now, but we really can’t tell you any warning signs. There are a few, and they may happen, but they may not, so just be prepared. This can happen any time of day or night. But in the mean time, just relax and don’t be too anxious. Sleep! Let life happen because it’s all about to change.”
Yep. And to make it worse, there are symptoms of the fire that come up and you think “IS THIS IT?!” but it isn’t.
While waiting for the fire, everyone wants to know if the baby came out. I like that people reach out to me but I would be lying if I said it didn’t make my head grumble when I get texts like “what about now?” What about now? Right now I am still sitting and waiting, trying to relax while also stay busy so I don’t spend the entire day thinking about when is she going to come. It is really hard, feels really isolating, and I go to bed each night wondering if this is the last full night of sleep I am going to have for a while…or if I am going to wake up in pain. It’s a really weird time that no one can understand unless they live it. All in all, life may be different tomorrow, so I am doing my best to live for today.
