Today I was on the phone with a client discussing a difficult conversation. We were deep into the weeds of the story and corresponding emotion when I asked the question, “okay, so what can you own in this?”
“What can I own?!” she asked, “he was an asshole to ME!”
“I know,” I replied. “but is there something you can own up to? Were you completely honest and calm with him?”
“I hate this question because there is nothing I can own up to here” she replied.
I kept pushing. “I hear you are really hurt, and rightfully so, but I know the full story as you told it to me, and I know there is a piece you can own up to. How can you lay down your weapons?”
I could hear the sighs coming in from the other end. I also could tell I was not getting through to her. But still, I persisted, because I knew if she walked into the conversation with her guard up it would go nowhere, and I wanted to help her get closure.
“What can you own up to?” I asked again.
Our session continued, and now it was focused on the resistance she was feeling. As her coach, I was worried that she was also growing a resentment toward me. After all, I COULD say “yes, fuck it! he’s an asshole and you are totally right!” but I knew that would not serve her. I know her well, and I knew she could find a place in her to feel compassion the other person.
So a few minutes later I asked, “So, what is your part?”
“I get mad quickly,” she said, “I got mad at him very fast and let it all just come out. I know better. I could have backed down, took a step back, and composed myself, but I didn’t. I lashed out on him and the conversation went nowhere, so now I am afraid to talk to him again because I don’t want to act the same. I rather not have this conversation than have it at all than to be put in that place. I am not proud of how I acted.”
A-ha.
Prior to this revelation she was still caught up in him. What HE did. How HE was. What HE was going to do. And when we are so caught up in the actions of the other person we are unable to see our own part – and maybe, even the fact that we have a part in it.
We always play a part. And owning your part not a matter of accepting blame or blaming, but a way to consider that you have power in improving the situation. Part of the reason you are having a hard conversation is because you had an emotional reaction to something. Being responsible for yourself and for your own reaction makes a real conversation possible because you are talking about your reaction and its impact on the situation.
You are also showing the other person how to take responsibility. We all hold our friends, family, loved ones, to high standards, but sometimes we need to be the change we want to see (yep, that’s Ghandi). Sometimes, we need to show the other person how to be the bigger person. Maybe, just maybe, the other person is not aware that there is another way to be.
“So what would it be like to own that when you first sit down with him?”
“I could never do that!” she said, “he is just going to roll his eyes at me.”
He might, I replied, “but I am wiling to bet that you will be more grounded and proud of yourself if you own your part.”
After a little more resistance, and a little back and forth, she decided she wanted to send a text to him before they met to clear the air: “Hey, I know the last time we met we both got heated really fast. I don’t want that to happen this time, and I am going to make a conscious effort to stay calm.”
I would be a hypocrite if I told you that I always own my part and handle difficult conversations with grace and wisdom. I don’t. In fact, I am typically stumbling over my own emotions and so wrapped up in blame that I can barley articulate a sentence. It takes me a lot of time, and a lot of reflection, to be able to have a conversation when I am hurt.
But recently I have been writing out all of the feelings I am feeling on paper: the hurt, the blame, the resistance to my part, the anger, the sadness, all of it. I let it all just flow out and then I go back when I am calmer to it and pull out threads of connection. Usually just the act of writing it down allows me to release, but sometimes I need to ask myself – ‘what do you really want out of this?”
And then again.
“Jessica, what do you really want out of this!? What are you gaining out of this.”
The answer never is joy. Usually the answer is pain of some kind, and doing this hard work to work through that pain is far less painful than living a life of resentment.
So, now I ask you, is there a situation where you could have owned you part but didn’t?
What can you own now?
