When I first started dating, after my 2 year period of not dating, I was a disaster. It took me a long time to feel “ready.” Not because I wasn’t over my ex — but I was terrified to feel the feelings I felt in that relationship. I was afraid to lose myself again. I was afraid to feel depressed. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I didn’t want my energy to go to 12 different places. I didn’t want to feel anxious all of the time. My marriage was really hard, and the time before my marriage was also really hard.
I was exhausted – working and single parenting, while trying to work through my issues and get to a place where I had a little self-esteem felt like a full-time job.
When I was finally ready to date, it was because I did the work to get there. I hired a coach to help me get to the place I wanted to be at. I committed to the process.
But the pandemic was just starting, and the limited time I spent on dating apps was frustrating. I was connecting with men that either seemed to be binge drinking on the weekends or were so aggressive in communication it was a turnoff. They were in or out from the getgo, and at the time, a date did not feel more exciting than getting a full night of sleep.
I constantly wondered, “at what point do I tell these people I am a single mom?” “I don’t even know how to go on a date.” “Do I even know how to have sex anymore?” I literally spent hours wondering if I still know how to kiss someone.
And then when I actually started dating….oof. The first guy essentially ghosted me – after telling me he would not ghost me). The second one showed a ton of interest and absolutely no commitment to anything – even to making a plan with me. This was actually really tough. I really liked him (or the idea of him I made up in my head…) and he was the first person I felt a connection to in years. We had a really frustrating 5 months, but when I look back, I see how much we were not on the same page, how badly I wanted the page to be different, and how, even though it was frustrating, he helped me be more “me” at the time. He represented the guy I would have dated when I was 25. We had shared interests and he stretched me in the creative/fun area that I didn’t even know I still had. But I wasn’t 25. I was in my early 30’s and I was a single mom. I had already been divorced and he still lived with roommates.
The guys in between were…eh..
When I didn’t feel the natural connection, I walked away. Quickly. This honored my boundaries but also did not give anyone a chance.
I noticed I had some toxic habits too. I would connect with someone and then not respond for days. I would nitpick some small thing on their profile. I would judge how they speak to me in messaging. If they wanted to meet immediately, I saw it as a turnoff. I would talk ALOT to people I found attractive immediately but not those that could have grown into an attraction.
In fact, here was one guy that was REALLY nice to me and we connected, but I spent a lot of time looking at his pictures (read: not actually meeting him) wondering if we would connect. He made me laugh. Conversation with him was light. But I also went days without responding to him. This was not in integrity for me – this wasnt who I wanted to be. When I finally got tired of my bullshit, I reached out to him to set up a date, and he sent me the most honest text. He said “I really like you, you are exactly who I was looking for, but I made a connection with someone during the time we were messaging and she is really great, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I have really enjoyed talking to you and would have loved to meet you, but you didn’t seem ready.”
I thanked him. I told him she was a lucky woman. And we tried to keep in touch as friends for a few days after and then it fell off. I still think about how honest that text was and how much I appreciated it.
I ended up having one more tough 1 month “relationship” during that time. He seemed so into me and pursued me. And then he checked out right after we slept together. This is a lot more loaded that it sounds, but basically, when we would make plans he’d make it super complicated, and then really not engage with me until we saw eachother. That was not what worked for me and I tried to be okay with it because it was a healthy stretch for me. Until it wasn’t.
I needed to learn to really stick to what I want, and who I want, even when it is uncomfortable. I needed to learn to stretch far outside of my comfort zone. I needed to learn that even when someone has all the qualities I am looking for on paper; it does not mean they are emotionally ready for a relationship. I needed to learn the meaning of emotional maturity. I also needed to learn that I needed to be clear on what I NEEDED from someone.
I always – always – downplayed my wants and needs. I spent my whole life telling myself that what I want doesn’t matter (a lesson I learned in childhood and then replicated in my early relationships). In all honesty, I am a simple person. I really need little. I am ruthlessly independent. I am stubborn. I like to do things for myself and if I need something I get it. I am a planner so I make the plans and schedule things. I actually felt proud that I needed little from a partner, but over time I realized that was a limited belief.
Because that didn’t mean that I didn’t want to be treated well. I think I subconsciously convinced myself that having needs was being needy, so I pushed every single one to the side and convinced myself I was asking too much, when I wasn’t.
Around that time I sat down and asked myself what I want.
- I want texts returned.
- I want someone to care about me and ask me how my day is.
- I want someone to make plans with me – and WANT to plan with me.
- I like surprise thoughtful gifts.
- I love to cuddle.
- I like being asked about my life, my interests, my job, my travel
- I love being told that someone loves me. Until my most recent relationship, I didn’t know what it felt like to have someone consistently so excited to be around me. And now that I know it, I love it.
- I like when there is a balance in who pays for texts.
- I want to be with someone who has traveled and wants to travel.
- I resonate with the Anxious Attachment style. So I want to be able to tell someone when I am feeling activated and have them hear me and have an open conversation about it.
I spent so much time not wanting to feel what I felt in dating; I knew how I wanted to feel (yet I kept settling for feeling a different way).
I wanted to feel secure when they went out with friends. I wanted to feel like they did not ignore me when I texted them. I wanted to feel like someone wanted what was best for me – and that trusted that I knew what was best for me, not them. I wanted to feel like I could bring up anything – which does not mean it wouldn’t be hard to have some conversations – but that the person would stay in the mud with me until we got to the other side. I wanted someone to feel like a kid with. To do fun things with. To also do nothing with. I wanted to be with someone who stretches me in ways that I need to be stretched for my growth, but that it feels like a choice, and no more pain.
I took time and wrote those things out:
- Someone who understands that I am a mom, and that Charlotte comes first. He would have to want to meet her but would let me do it on my own time.
- Someone who wants kids.
- Someone who sees that I am in between the life I want to live and the life I am living and wants to support me to help me get closer to the life I want.
- Doesn’t make me feel crazy. Doesn’t make me feel like “too much.”
- Appreciates that I do a lot of things and like being active/going on adventures and they will want to do them with me.
- Initiates hanging out. Asks me to do things/when I am free.
- Says affirming things to me to make me feel seen and heard.
- Wants to text me during the day
- Offers to help me without me asking – goes the extra mile.
- Will stay over my house and abide by any Charlotte-specific rules I have.
- Is not afraid of tough conversations.
- Wants to be open about their past, etc.
- Someone who supports me in my struggles with Jason and stands by my side.
- Someone I can talk about my feelings with – “I feel anxious when….” “I feel hurt when….”
- He actually wants to be in a relationship with me.
- He is physically affectionate even in public. Wants to hold my hand, etc.
- Thinks about me – if I ate, if I need help, etc.
- Is not afraid to pick up the phone and call me
- Reciprocates everything: texts, words of affirmation, help, etc.
- Wants to hike, explore, adventure, travel, golf, use every day.
After I got clear on my needs and wants, I deleted hinge. I decided that the person I want to be with will not be on a dating app. Or they will be, but they will have the same habits that I did.
I then met someone “out in the wild” as I call it and things were really amazing until they weren’t, but that was my largest catalyst of change, and it helped me learn what the difference between toxic and abusive was. Which I will touch on in another blog.
If you are feeling all WTF when it comes to dating, I invite you to take the time (no, like REALLY take the time) to write out what you want in a partner. Write out how you want that to feel. Write out what that looks like in your life. How they fit in. What you would do together. How he handles conflict. How you feel when you are apart. How you come back together after ruptures. Let yourself actually FEEL it.
And then start holding yourself to it.
As always, if you need or want support, I am here.
